Posted by Hi
So I am having issues with my parents and I am a 21 year old senior in one of the top ten universities. I have good grades, have never got in trouble, never did drugs, dont drink, and I honestly dont have a social life. I’m almost always doing stuff on my own like studying or watching tv.
My home is not too far away, about 1.5 hours by public transport. The problem is my parents are FAR TOO controlling and in different ways. I have to call my mom in the morning when I wake up, when I go out, when I come back after classes. Otherwise she gets upset. If I am at a friend’s house at 11pm like 5mins from my place, my mom starts yelling and forces me to go back since it is too late (in which universe is that late in college?). I’m not even partying, just hanging out, watching tv. Even if I was studying she could care less. She just wants me in my room. Its like I’m living in a cell being constantly watched and monitored. My father on the other hand could care less about the minor issues. But one thing is I must go home on the weekends. I can only stay if I have midterms the coming week. Otherwise I have to go home. Between the two I feel completely lost. My sense of a person is not there. I do not believe I am growing or maturing as an individual. I need to be able to lead a SEPERATE but not disjoint life from them. Some questions I do not know how to answer …
How do I say NO to them? My mother has even called security once because I hadnt called her in four freakin hours. MY GOD.
What should I do? I am worried when I leave state that me not being able to hang out late with friends or go on road trips all because they said no is ridiculous! Any advice is helpful. Thanks so much.
I actually have one sister.
And, I have tried talking to them. Letting me stay every other weekend even when I dont have exams or projects. Sometimes I have resorted to lying about my whereabouts (not for bad reasons at all, just to stay late to finish research in lab or something). But I feel really bad about doing that since I have a very open relationship with my mom about everything else but this! So frustrating.
i would suggest you call her once a week - period
if she wants to call security then fine - let her
they will stop coming running after the third or fourth time
then stop the home visits every weekend - make it every other weekend instead
have a chat with your dad - he could help especially if he and your mother are still together
but wean your mum off gently
down from every four hours to once a day
then to every other day
then once a week
then weekends can alternate
you are right she is too dependant on you and it isn’t good for you (and probably isn’t good for her either)
reassure her that you still love her but you need to take this time to learn to stand on your own too feet whilst you are in a relatively secure environment that university offers
You’re grown and you need to stress this fact to them, if she’ll only get angry if you don’t call her then realize she’ll get over it. Maybe they still aren’t ready to let go but it’s still no excuse you still need to stand your ground and make some ground rules for what’s going on in your life.
You are doing great right now and on opinion they want you to stay that way and want you to be safe until you are finished with university and on your own. You did not mention if you have siblings. Your parents probably think of their responsibility and retirement and on their own too. These things are not easy. Hope this helps.